Suddenly not Susan

Years ago I worked with a woman who claimed that everyone has a true name. She could tell, just from looking at someone, what their true name was. It may or may not be what their parents named them, but it was the name they were meant to have. Our colleague Adam, for example, was really supposed to be Brian, and I have to admit she was right. He was definitely more of a Brian.

Yesterday I set myself on a mission to discover whether anyone on Facebook has a similar talent. As it turns out, there are four who do. Eager to discover more about my real self, I took all of their quizzes. My true name, the one I was truly meant to have, is Andrea Gabby Bob Bella-Nicole. This is going to take some getting used to, both for myself and my friends. I’m thinking of asking my students to call me by my last name this year, just to save time.

And I need to talk to my old colleague. She never pegged me as having any of those names. She thought the one my parents gave me was right. I need to have a talk with myself too, as I’ve been secretly convinced since high school that my true name is Susan.

My value, in Camels

I am worth 500 camels, no, really, it’s true. My pale skin and cooking skills make me a hot commodity among the camel-trading set. That’s what the Facebook quiz told me, and I believe it. It confirms what I already learned years ago in the Toronto airport when this Middle Eastern man asked my husband if he could buy me. True story.

I am also unwelcome in Russia, which does not bother me in the least. Russia booted my great grandparents out over 100 years ago for having the gall to be Jewish, so really, Russia? I’m not going to lose any sleep over you. Long winters, far too many potatoes, and borscht. Enough said. Good literature, though. I will give you that.